For most of my life I have been terrified of dying. Those of you who knew me when I was little may remember that it was something that I was constantly worried about. I was worried about where and how it would happen, and I was even afraid to say any words that related to death. As I got older, my worries got a little more normal, but the fear always remained there in the back of my mind.
In one instant all of that changed! In less time than it will take me to write this post
My perspective on everything that has to do with death, and the life after this was forever changed!
Let me start at the beginning...well kind of the beginning. Throughout my separation from Aaron in the months prior to his death my family immediately stepped up to the plate! My mom took us in, and literally provided for our every need although her house was already too full, and she really wasn't in a financial place where she could take in more people, she did it anyway, and somehow she made it work! I will be forever grateful for the sacrifices she made in order to take care if us! Although it was my mom who actually did most if it, there were many members if my family including Aaron's parents who were just as willing to help!
There was one thing though that almost no one could comprehend, and that was that despite everything that I had endured, I still had a strong desire to remain as close to him as I possibly could! I put an offer on the table to put our family back together if he were ever ready, and I made it very clear to him that I wanted that to happen! That offer remained throughout the remaining months if his life! This made a lot of people unhappy with me because they thought that I was just going to land right back in the situation that I had just gotten out of! I will not go into detail on this because my intent in sharing this is not to make anyone look or feel bad, it is simply information to help you understand other parts of the story. I will say this though, at times it was more painful than the separation itself. My sister and I got very close during this time! I would emotionally unload on the poor girl almost daily! She was my little ray of sunshine during what felt like a very dark, lonely, and hopeless time! Weather she agreed with my decisions or not, she recognized that each decision that I made carried a lot of weight for me, and that i made no decision lightly! It was because if her that I was able to pull myself out of bed in the mornings, and be the mom that my kids so desperately needed.
I also spent a lot of time talking to my Bishop during that time. He had a much more spiritual perspective on the whole thing than I did at the time. He reminded me that Heavenly Father was very much aware of my situation, and ultimately in control if it. He told me that he could sense very strong unconditional love between me and Aaron! We studied the Scriptures, prayed, and he even gave me a blessing. It helped me feel a whole lot better about my decisions and holding to them. It helped me to know that I infact was not being naive in making the decisions that I had, and sticking to them even though I really had no clue why I felt so strongly about it at the time! He reminded me to pray about it, so that's exactly what I did!
From that time on I completely turned it over to The Lord! Each and every night before bed I would have an emotionally charged and tear filled conversation with my Heavenly Father. I was perfectly honest about my pain and frustration, and I begged, and pleaded with him that no matter what the outcome of our situation should ultimately be, weather I was supposed to get back with Aaron, or if we were supposed to go our seperate ways, that I would accept it, if he would just help me get to that end result so that I could feel happy again. I was completely blown away by how immediately my prayers were answered! Each night as I closed my prayers, I felt an immediate calm, and I distinctly heard although not with my ears the words "keep doing exactly what you are doing and everything will work out." I was dumbfounded by the answer, because my decisions certainly were not bringing me any happiness! But the peace that accompanied my answer was a welcome change, so I stuck to my decisions, and I did it for several months!
On Thursday September 1st 2011 Kenzie dropped a 5 pound exercise weight in her big toe. As I consoled her there curled up on my lap, I got the a distinct feeling that I should call Aaron and tell him what had happened. I brushed the thought aside though when I realized that he was probably at work.
On Friday night September 2nd 2011, it was late and I had just crawled into bed. I was just laying there awake thinking about my day, when suddenly for no reason that I could see, my thoughts turned to Aaron. I remember wondering why my thoughts had suddenly gone that way. I now know that this experience happened to me within the few short hours between his passing, and the time that his parents were notified of it.
On Saturday September 3rd , Aaron's parents called and said that they were in the neighborhood and that they wanted to visit me. It was during that visit that I learned that my one true love, and eternal companion was no longer on this earth. I was sad and confused, but I wasn't ready to tell my kids yet. So I held it all in and as far as my kids could tell we were having the best day ever!
But once my kids were asleep, I shut myself in my room, and pretty much lost it! I cried hard, and for a REALLY LONG TIME! I remember sitting on my bed with my feet hanging over the edge, my tears had pretty much run dry by this point, when suddenly such an overwhelming sense of peace came over me that I almost fell over! Thoughts started racing through my head so fast that it made me dizzy! And I know they weren't my own thoughts because they were directed to me. Not from me. Does that make sense? They were thoughts like, "I told you that everything would work out. Your family belongs together, and That is what Aaron wants. But he needed to be brought here to overcome his challenges. He couldn't do it on earth. This is how I am preserving your family. You still are, and will always be a family!" This thought process went in for quite some time.
Words can't describe the overwhelming sense if peace and happiness that I felt. Yes happiness! Now don't get me wrong, I am not happy that my hubby had to die! I would much prefer that we were living in a cute little house with a white picket fence! But I am happy because I know that Aaron isn't suffering anymore, and that we will undead have our happily ever after dime day! My experience that night filled me with an inhuman emotional streignth that I had no idea that I was capable of, and it was noticed by everyone around me! The streignth was not my own though, I know that I had some very special Heavenly helpers literally holding me up! Furring this one experience everything that hurt, and seamed so impossible suddenly made perfect sense! I realized that my months of separation were actually Heavenly Father's way of preparing me for a much longer separation! My differences in opinion with some people about the decisions I was making was his way of teaching me that it is important to follow his promptings no matter how hard it is! It also taught me humility and patience!
And remember earlier when I was talking about his I am afraid if dying? Well because of this one spiritual experience, I am no longer afraid if death! Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking forward to the actual during part! But my other half is already there in Heaven, and he is waiting for me! And I look forward to the reunion that I will have with him, and other family members when it is my turn to return home!
In the time that has passed since Aaron's passing, I have known of his presence many times, and it had come in many ways! His presence has been made known not only to me, but to other family members as well. He is not always here because he has lots to do, but even so, he is here far more often than I ever expected!
This past week I had what is probably one of the most spiritual experiences that I will ever have in this life time! The only thing that might trump it is something that happened when I was so sick in the hospital all those years ago! I will not share this experience publicly because it is far to sacred! I will say this though. It hit me so hard that I felt an urgency to write it all down! It happened at 5:16 AM, and it literally left me feeling a little shaky and completely in awe for the entire day! I could think of nothing else for a few days after that!
A few months ago I set a goal for myself to read the entire quad by the end if this year. Well, emergency I was reading in the Book Of Alma in the Book Of Mormon. I realized that there has actually been a lot revealed to us about what life is like after we die, and I suddenly wanted to know everything that I am allowed to know about Heaven! So I searched DESERET BOOK's website. I figured if I was going to find it anywhere, it would be there. It didn't take me long to find this
Not only did they have EXACTLY what I was looking for, but they also had a free ap for my phone where I could buy it and download it right onto my phone! It was so uplifting, a very comforting book to read! I learned a lot of new things! If you have ever wondered about Heaven I highly recommend this book!
Well, I have come to the end if my little blog post. I'm not sure why I felt I should write it, but I did, and now it's done! Hopefully maybe someone out there in blog land can benefit from something I have said in this post, I don't know. And I truely hope that nobody was hurt or offended by any part in this post! If you were. I am truely sorry, I promise you that was not my intent in writing it!
Good night friends!
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