This Is As Real As It Gets....

This is a very personal post for me.  As I sit here typing the screen is a little blurry because I am trying to see through the tears.  Nine years ago today I was not only married to the love of my life, but on that day I was also sealed to him for time and all eternity!  It doesn't get any bigger, or better than that!  Aaron might be in Heaven now, but we are still Eternally husband and wife, and nothing will ever change that, and that makes me more excited and happy than words can express!

I have been very lucky in the time since Aaron's passing.  It has been noted by many how strong, and positive I have been about it all.  The reason why I have been able to be so strong is because of the loving heavenly help that has carried me along the way.  Without going into detail,I will tell you that  I have learned that everything happens for a reason!  Things don't just happen by chance!  I know for a fact that Aaron was taken back to heaven to help preserve our eternal family, and to prepare him to be the head of it!  I know beyond a shadow of  a doubt that Aaron is very happy in heaven, and that he is watching over us.  I don't feel it is appropriate to tell you why I know this because it is very personal, but trust me, he is an amazing man indeed!

But although I have this amazing comforting knoledge of eternal families, that doesn't mean that I don't have hard days.  Today was one of those days....it was actually probably one of the most emotional days I have had since he died.  At first I couldn't figure out why it was hitting me so much harder than usual, then it hit me....this was the first time that I have ever been completely alone on my anniversary with nothing to do but sit and think and remember, and cry.
I think it's a good thing though....sometimes I just need to cry, and it honestly helps me be stronger.

So today since I was completely alone, with nobody to talk to, of show a brave face for, I let myself relive some of the happier times.  It started here.

This is a bench at a park that I pass on my way home from taking the kids to school....It also happens to be the very bench where Aaron and I first sat and talked for hours at the end of our first date.  We talked about life, and held hands here for the very first time.It's where we started to fall in love!    The park around it has changed, but the bench is still there....a gentle reminder of a very sweet memory.  

I sat there for a while until the tears started, then I headed home.  

I then started working on a project on my computer, but I just couldn't keep from crying, so it was then that I knew I had to get out of the house.  

Ironically....well, actually probably not so ironically, I suddenly remembered a $20 bill  sitting on my desk.  It was one of my birthday presents that had mysteriously gone missing until LAST NIGHT!  So I stuffed it in my pocket, and headed out the door. I ended up walking to a resturaunt where Aaron and I had gone on many dates before we were married.

 And I sat in the same booth that we always used to eat at.

 I then walked over to the grocery store where I bought myself a little slice of cake, and some martinellie's apple/grape cider.  I bought the juice because it is a tradition that I want to keep going to always drink martinellies on our anniversary.   and the cake just because I wanted to eat my fealings.  :)

Then I headed home  where I quickly realized that I am very, very Mormon and have NO CLUE how to open this kind of a bottle!

So I borrowed a bottle opener from my sister in law, but I still couldn't do it!  Luckilly though, my sister was sweet enough to stop by after work, and helped me open it.  I then shared my anniversary apple cider with my sweet babies.  

Although I know that Aaron is exactly where he is suposed to be right now, and I know that he is with us more often than we realize, there are some times like today when all I want is to feel his arms around me, or feel his lips brush my hair as he gives me a hug.  But it is very comforting to realize that while he isn't physically  able to do those things right now, there are things that bring me comfort. 

One thing I love to do is read, and compare our Patriarchal blessings.  My favorite part of Aaron's is where it talks about me and our kids, and how we will be Aaron's eternal family....Aaron received his blessing eight years before we met!  

My favorite part of mine is when it talks about how Aaron does infact still want our eternal family!  I received my blessing roughly a year and a half after Aaron died!  I love the way the two blessings coordinate, and compliment eachother!

I'm extremely lucky to have little pieces of Aaron that are here with me.....our kids!  

KYLE:

 Kyle is Aaron's mini me!  Every time I look into those beautiful blue eyes that match his Daddy'set into that face that looks so much like his daddy, I can't help but be reminded!   Kyle and Aaron not only look alike, but they view life the same way, have the same little quirks, and they even walk exactly the same way!

MACKENZIE:

Although Mackenzie looks more like my side of the family, there are times when I look at her at a certain angle, that I see her Daddy!  The way she squints her eyes, and qrinkles her face up whenever it's time to take a picture, is exactly like her daddy!  She also has his love for animals!  

I am so thankful that I chose to be sealed to my hubby nine years ago today!  While I don't celebrate the anniversary of the wedding day anymore, I do still celebrate it as the day that our eternal family began, and that is worth more than any wedding day that even the richest of people can dream up!  

Aaron I love you, and I miss you so, so, so much!  Remember the last anniversary we celebrated together?  The one where I made a playlist of songs that we danced to in the livingroom?  Well, if it's okay, I want to add  this song to that play list.  Happy Anniversary my love!

Forever Yours,

Courtney

PS.  I still wear the ring you proposed to me with...it never leaves my finger!